I don't understand why were together when we don't even trust each other. And we don't trust each other... Probably because we don't trust ourselves.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Smartphone

Just thoughts.

He has surgery today - removing a tumor [edit, it wasn't no tumor. Lol]. My mother get's her radioactive iodine treatment today, too [She's doing okay]. I prayed before bed last night, I prayed in my dreams and I prayed this morning. I've been sleeping well - except that I wake up at 3 and 6 every morning. This morning it was 2am. I would like to hear from him, that everything went well. I plan to go to court tomorrow, hopefully I'll be doing more good than harm.

I hope I don't run into any of his babymamas or girlfriends. I hope I don't have to introduce myself to any of his family. I hope he doesn't look at me. I won't look at him...I think. I hope I don't find out things I don't really want to know. I hope he doesn't have to go to prison, or have to go for too long. Except, if we get legally married, and I can get me "some extended family visits..." lol.

I hope his family and friends pull through and prove me wrong. Show me their down for a dude. I hope God shows up in a crazy miraculous way. I hope he is changed and transformed and all this God talk isn't just cuz he finds himself in a rough place.

I hope he isn't tempted, that he doesn't blame me, that I'm forgiven and he knows that I forgive him. I hope I don't lose myself while trying to find him. I hope I don't drown while I'm trying to save him.

I'm writing this at work... to be continued...

#losers

I'm hella diggin' this song, "Poetic Justice" by Kendrick Lamar f/Drake. It's got that Anytime, Anyplace sample from Janet Jackson. #truth

Man, I just wish he wouldn't have infiltrated so many parts of my life. "I wanna be a part of your life." But shit, I want you to only be a part of my life. I am so serious about this infertility thing. I'll always be the #loser, you know? I'll never be truly connected with someone. "I could never right my wrongs, unless I write them down for real. PS." This is just so hard for me, I really feel in my soul that I'm here to help him through this. I don't mean to save, convert or let him run over me...but everything just seemed to fall exactly into place. I don't know why I let myself stress me out.

He's a goddamn liar though. I'm not sure if I'm down for that - you know? How much heartache am I supposed to endure in order to have full joy, "and in him my joy made complete." God, forgive me. I'm so shallow, so dependent and things that I need not depend on. Why am I so weak? Why don't I know that your love is all around me, that it resonates through me? Why can't I recognize your voice?

Anyway, listen to that ish... #poeticjustice

Man... what a whirlwind!

I don't know what's happening or what's going on. I just feel like I'm so in love, and yet I'm not being loved in returned. What I've come to realize, is that people view love, being in love, loving, etc different ways. To me, love means texting and calling regularly. To him, to just say "I love you", or I "fuxking" love you, is love. It's very one-sided. I need love.

Or do I. I hope I see him tonight - that's not an expectation, is it? I hope I see him, and I hope I'm brave enough to say, I think we should take a break. Although, I really really really want him to come with me to the Beres Hammond concert. He's a flake though - like me, I do to others what he does to me.

It's terrible... to be continued.

Think I found the one thing that'll turn me into a bitch.... Being picked up fuxking late. Ughh... Makes a girl feel super unimportant. :'(

John Holt Capitol City Police Dubwise by Captiol City Rockas

John Holt Capitol City Police Dubwise by Captiol City Rockas

Healthy...

Thought I was getting some Vitamin D, Batman and some exercise last night. Instead, got a waste of gas, lost 3 hours - actually the whole day. And I still cant wait to be with him. If he wants me - he doesn't act like it.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I know I don't know how to be in an intimate relationship with another. I know I'm the jealous type and that I ask questions I shouldn't know the answer to.

I'm really overwhelmed right now. Like my life is a flippin' mess. So many great amazing things are happening around me - and I just can't get my shit together. I can't enjoy it like I wanted to, like I thought we could. I can't live ... like I thought I could live.

I need God. I need God to bless my life. I need to practice what I preach, to acknowledge God every step of the way. I need God. I need God. All I need is God.

And God wants me to be with friends - I feel so loved. Friends near and far, down for a chick. You give your life or at least work toward it - to the one, the one that don't mean isht. But he be giving it to me right. I think I too often fall for what feels good - if you catch my drift, instead of what logically works. Nothing I do works logically - it's toooooo much damn work to be with me. Huh?

Even I get tired of myself. Why shouldn't I expect someone else to? I just don't know where it went bad. I mean, actually - I can tell there was a lot of shit that needed to be worked out. The whole me going to work and you staying home shit was triffling. And yes, YOU needed to wake up at 4am to get to work - so why didnt you wake me up? You wake the fuck up at 4am everyday except the day you need to go to work? I'm glad you said that YOU catted and finally didn't blame shit on me.

We're just so different. But I would have made it work. I would have made love happen. We could have been a family - nahhhh, I guess I'm just bullshittin'. We felt like we was putting everything on the line and that the other was doing shit. I mean, this has got to be last time. You know? I just don't know how to get passed it this time. You kept bringing your boy into the mix - that you introduced him to me, and now what? Weeeooooo... thanks for bringing him around one time, as I planned for weekend after weekend being with him. Taking him to the fair, John Incredibles, Drive-In Movies. We could cook, and clean and shop together. I so badly wanted to be a part of this young amazing individual's life. He always surprised me and made me smile. I knew he wasn't mine, but I would have worked really hard to make it happen. I thought - what if he is for me? It was so perfect, that I could not have a child and his mother was not actively in his life. When I want to talk about him, I want to say "my son". And this is the part where I can't breath, throat hurts and my eyes are welled up.

I know where you were on Father's Day. Sorry that I had you chained to the bed? Oh what? Yeah, I didn't. I freak'n have Stockholm Syndrome or some shit. Like I need to be in pain. I think I just made my life worse. Ughhh...

I'm sooo mad at myself. I'm soooo sooo mad at myself.

Ahhh, Micah Keita Bournes. Friend him on Facebook. He wrote a note about celebrating July 4th - from an African-American perspective. In some ways, I relate - mostly because my ancestry is not of this country. Pretty much everything that happened before 1980 is not my history. Which is coo, because there is a lot about this country's history that I will never understand. However, somewhere along the line, someone paved the way for my family. Someone fought for some kind of rights, someone built some kind of buildings and transportation, somewhere something happened so that my family could be here. And for them, I am thankful.


And if you think about it, none of these holidays are really FOR us. Most holidays are opportunities for us to engage in conversation, to remember those that the holidays are FOR, to bbq and be with family. There are so many other reasons why holidays are good.


For me, I'm OFF OF WORK. I will "clean" and hopefully get to spend some much needed quality time with my boo and his son. I am happy and exactly where I feel I should be. There are things that I know could be better, but through it all, my creator created me to belong to him...and where ever I am on this earth, I will still be long to him. But still...I need to get my isht together. I feel soooo tired right now. Lightweight overwhelmed, mostly because I can't do all the fun things I would like to do. Like concerts at Great America. Oh well... such is life.


10 positive thoughts:
My parents and family boarded the plane safely.
I got the projector worked out yesterday.
I slept safely through the night - even though I woke up every hour.
I woke up (late, but I woke up).
I have a car to get me where I need to go.
God is always with me.
Music is in me in the rawest form, I don't need to know it - I just feel it.
I love him.
I have access to food.
I have a job.

hold fast...

Holding fast to a fantasy is bad for my soul. I wish facing reality didn't feel so lonely. Feel like I've been here before. Actually, I have been here before. Why do I keep finding myself here?

Normal things that make me miss him:
Watching TV
Walking into my room
McDonalds - specifically chicken nuggets and sweet & sour sauce. Especially sweet & sour sauce.
Getting gas
Going to Food Maxx
Taking a shower
Sleeping
Waking up
Breathing
Driving
Music

Things I'd like to say:

What makes me sad, too, is seeing me texting over and over to myself. The incessant green bubbles. Or 10 calls out to you, and nothing from you. What I have for you is real...what I have for you is solid. I wish I could call you whenever and you'd pick up, even if its just to say that you were busy. I wish you'd at least acknowledge that you got my text.

I look for good schools in this area, apartments, houses. I try to figure out how I can make things work. I tell you about a job opportunity that would bring you closer. I tell my mom I need to rent out her house... It makes sense to her. It makes sense to me. I drive to see you, pick you up, spend time with you. I love being with you. When I'm with you, I can't think straight, all I want is to be with you. Nothing even matters, Miss Lauryn Hill would say.

I feel like I'm the only one working on making this official. Because everything on your side is moving in a different direction. I've let you into the most intimate and important spaces of my life. You've seen me in my most comfortable exciting and joyous places. You've seen me do what I love and live to do. You've never introduced me to your folks. I want our lives to be intertwined ... I want you to meet my parents and to help at family functions. I want you to help me care for and guide my youth. To give them all they need to make better choices, especially better than the ones we made. What do you need from me?

I need to feel like you trust me, that you'd do anything for me. That you'd love and support me beyond what anyone else has done for me.

I wish you'd just call me. So we can talk. To talk. About our families, our spiritual journeys, to really discover what we have in common and how our love can grow. I want to plan with you... To talk about God with you.

I want to not only hear the I love yous and the I miss yous... I want to see and feel them. To know you're in it for the long run. Even when things get tough because they will. I'll put you thru a lot of shit. And there is someone better for you, who'll do everything you need and want, give you beautiful babies and more. Just saying...

I see God in you. Nothing will ever stop me from loving you, but you... You will be the one that ultimately turns me away. I choose you.

Things I wish I could say.

I miss him. Like I can't function...

How to love...

Putting in work. I wish I could stay here all night and eff all the bull isht. Done.

Here we go...

here we go again, now you telling me that she is just a friend...

What happened? How many times does it need to happen before I learn? Like a kid testing out a stove. How many times does the child get burned before they know to stop touching that damn stove. I don't understand how you could be like that to me. How you can just ignore me? Or leave me hanging. Why am I so disposable? There's this picture going around about this couple that's been married for maaannnyyy years. They're asked how it works. They said, back then, when things broke - we fixed it. We did not just throw it away.

I need someone who wants to fix it. Who thinks that what we have is valueable enough to be fixed. Who feels that I am someone to love and take around. Wants me to be a part of their family, not just a friend in the bedroom. Someone that knows that it isn't easy being with me, but knows that its worth it. Is he out there? Is he you? Do you want it to be you?

Simple.

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. I should become Mormon.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Smartphone

Who are you?

I went to a memorial last night. We were late - like by a few minutes. =( We had to stand in the overflow room. They had a TV, but I couldn't see much. I could hear quite clearly though. You can kind of tell about a person by who shows up at their funeral. This guy was pretty awesome. Anyway, the person who passed - his daughter is a pastor. She did a history/sermon that I felt was excellent. She was funny, engaging and sincere. I'm sure her daddy would be proud.

She talked about his beginnings, his parents and siblings. She talked about his work ethic and how he became the man of the house at a young age. Oh man - even as he worked and took care of his family, he managed to get his education. He was still very active in his church. How I wish I got to know this guy. The encouragement I know he could have provided. I don't know, his daughter just spoke so well about her dad. I hope I could be half as composed as she was, to be able to really create something that would continue to inspire as my dad inspires now. Or my mom even. I wish I was a better daughter. I need to get my isht together, I guess.

I go back alot - in my mind. To the way things happened - probably starting my sophomore year in high school. I think I effed up alot. Never knowing what I was doing, just doing what I was supposed to be doing. Never figuring out where I am, and who I was going to be. I never worried about that stuff. It was alll about now. Right now. I felt like my future was already written in the stars, no matter what I did, it was going to happen the way others planned for it to happen. I still do the same stuff ... still chasing the same empty promises with a broken bruised up heart. Where do I go from here?

Last night, I tried to cry. I do that every once in a while. Criminal minds is my ish... Prentiss tells Hotch that she can take the girl that just lost her family. Like adopt her, be her mother. Hotch says something like, this is part of the job, I need to know you can be objective. Prentiss says, I need to know that I can be human. Man, deeeeeep. Lol. It's like that, though, I need to cry. I need to know that I can be human? I need to know. Anyway, I just wanted to point out that I am very faithful and loyal, but that my mind tends to wander. However, I would never do something that I wouldn't want done to me. Just in case you were wondering. Like my girl Gretchen says, when I think about cheating, I think about you leaving. Then all is well...

Sweet love...

The more I try to be with him, I start to miss him and him too. Both who happen to be residing in the same city. I wonder if they'll run into each other at church. The more I try to make things work with him, the more I realize that there is him and him that have been trying to work with me, patiently waiting. Why do I like being treated like shit? Man, but the love is so nice. When were together, its like perfection at its very finest. Then...

Hopeful.

I torture myself sometimes. Because at the time, whatever it is - feels good. It's like drinking knowing damn well the hangover is going to suck. Or eating something bad for you, but it tastes OH SO GOOD at the moment. I don't know how to be in a relationship - so I just do what feels good. Even if it hurts a little later. In some ways, I don't want to be in a relationship. There is no perfect guy. He'll never know exactly what I'm thinking. He'll always make me angry and not do what I expect. Why should I have to subject someone to all that?

But really, I just want to know that he misses me. And not just that he misses me, but that he wants to make it happen. I still hate that I went all that way, and didn't get to see him. I was really hopeful. Oh, how, I was hopeful.

Flowers for all the mamas in my church. I got 36... And naturally everyone and their mama comes to church today. My mama to me is my rock. She will break her back to make sure I'm okay. I'm sure a lot of Mothers are like that. I think everyone deserves a mother who would live and die for them. It just makes sense. There are mothers out there that need to get their shit together and act right, and there are women out there who love like only a mother can - but have to love other people's children like that. In the end, I think God created mother's and love like a mother's for his children. It is hard to attain, difficult to share, but is sooo abundant that there is no reason to not have experienced that kind of love. Let's love like a mother... The world would be a better place. Blogging from my phone is not that great. Love you. :)

(=/

He drives me crazy. In every way possible.

Deactivated

I deactivated my Facebook. I feel free. I want to be held. And to stop going to church. Just for a little bit. I just don't see how we could say treating others like shit is holy. I don't get why it isn't so obvious. Why something isn't clearly wrong or clearly right to me... I miss

It didn't work.

It didn't work. I'm right. It never will. It's clear that I won't see him. I'm glad I got some goodies from my cousin, that'll drown out all the loud noise. My heart is broken, but I'm the daughter of The Healer. Be thou my vision...

ZzZZzzzzZ...

I just want to sleep. So much to do.

#fail

I did it. :( So I don't know... Should have waited.

Judgement Day

I'm here in Vegas... Keen on focusing on Gods calling for my life, and sure buff... Eye candy EVERYWHERE. And they're active in my church... Testing me. :( Still focused. Ughhh.... One day down, 2 more to go.

Filter

I'm nervous. There's more traffic coming through my page. I, honestly, blog with the hopes that no one reads. Uhm...

...

...

...

It's good to know that we are sometimes content where we are, but itching to move - and hopefully move forward. Good to know, that I am not the only one that feels that way. There are many things that I should have/could have done, but I didn't. I can either suffer the consequences, or enjoy the learning experience. Everything (maybe not EVERYthing) is relative. It's definitely how you look at it, or what you bring to the situation. I prefer to see you and focus on the positive aspects of people and situations. There isn't much that brings me down - but when I am brought down, I am brought down hard, fast and with little chance of getting back up.

Even then I strive to see the positive. I do my best to always smile, to the point where my face is tired. It hurts. I'd like to say that I am always doing my best, but I'm not. I'd like to say that I am tapping into my own potential, but I'm not. I need motivation. But even motivation is not motivating. How do we move forward? How do I move forward? How do I serve others while caring for myself? How do I make a difference? How can I be the change?

I think God looks at me, and cries. I think he/she/it says, I created you to be the best you you can be, but yet, here you are - you have no confidence, you put yourself in hurtful situations, you don't let yourself explore and be loved by me. I know God sighs, thinking - I am in you! You are mine, and yet, here you are - trying to belong to the world.

I'm good - so badly wanting to ask him a question, to see how he is - I wish that same feeling would overcome me to search God's own heart. God knows me. And I long to know him, but would rather wait for some shitty relationship to please me and then break me. Why do we do that to ourselves? I know I'm not the only one.

"You may say, I'm a dreamer. But I'm not..." =)

Happy Birthday, Bob. And Uncle Meki - lives cut too short.

Victory...

Victory. In so many ways. Successful fundraiser. Giants win. No texts to him. And catch up with friends. Feeling good...feeling great. Don't want to go sleep, like that'll keep tomorrow from coming. #tonight we are young, so let's set this world on fire...we can burn brighter than the sun. Take that NE. #humbled...

Watching Tosh.O ...

Stalker much?

He said he has never blogged. I just realized that Facebook, Twitter, anything "status" related is like a blog. He blogs, but calls them Google+ posts, or tweets. Lol. Maybe he lied... He doesn't even reply to my texts. Im like how does he do that...? But I do the same thing to this guy who texts me. I can do no wrong in his eyes. It's irritating. What I do to him, he does to me. It's crazy. Ive said this time and time again, I don't fit into his life. I don't know why he leads me on. It's the only thing I cry or at least try to cry about. He is perfect for me... He is where I want to be. Especially, when I think about having kids. I had the most amazing encounter with my nephew. Oh what a joy it would be to be in constant relationship with someone so amazing, creative and beautiful. He wants to give me the moon... I am so lucky that even one person wants to give me the moon. Anyway, he has kids, has been married, is at a place I long to be. I would never have to worry about.awkward situations - him wanting kids, to get married, etc - especially when I can't and don't really want to, etc - respectively. I decided - however... 3 things: in Vegas, I will focus solely on what God has in store for me regarding leadership and improving myself (however, if the opportunity allows, I'm getting drunk); I will try to contact the one in Tampa; and won't talk to the other one until Tampa. I need to make me better - physically, mentally and spiritually. I need closure so that I can truly move forward and love myself and let me be loved. He is not the one, I just need him to be.  I will make 2012 my year. Lets do this. And when I fuck it up - because I will - I won't stop. #transformed ... Transformers are the isht.... Love.

super bowl eve...

I want the Patriots to win, because it'll make him happy. I want the Giants to win because it will make him sad. #icantmakeyouloveme Going to Vegas! What are your Super Bowl traditions? We have a fundraiser at church... So come on by.

Frustrated....

Well, its gotta be an mms sized video, so I'll continue from my phone if need be. I hate when he teases me. I wonder if he knows I'm addicted...

((EDIT: It worked! Whoooo hoooo...and there wasn't any gibberish. I may be updating from my email on my phone. Right now, I'm at my sister's computer. I so badly just want to skip to the next step...))

Please work...

((EDIT:: I erased all the gibberish. This is from text, still waiting for the video from email...))

Just gotta figure out a title.

Oh my gosh... Getting there.

Discouraged...

Damn, trying to link my blog to my phone and it isn't working. What the flocka!?!?

Here I Go again...

I mean... do I dare?