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I'm nervous. There's more traffic coming through my page. I, honestly, blog with the hopes that no one reads. Uhm...

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It's good to know that we are sometimes content where we are, but itching to move - and hopefully move forward. Good to know, that I am not the only one that feels that way. There are many things that I should have/could have done, but I didn't. I can either suffer the consequences, or enjoy the learning experience. Everything (maybe not EVERYthing) is relative. It's definitely how you look at it, or what you bring to the situation. I prefer to see you and focus on the positive aspects of people and situations. There isn't much that brings me down - but when I am brought down, I am brought down hard, fast and with little chance of getting back up.

Even then I strive to see the positive. I do my best to always smile, to the point where my face is tired. It hurts. I'd like to say that I am always doing my best, but I'm not. I'd like to say that I am tapping into my own potential, but I'm not. I need motivation. But even motivation is not motivating. How do we move forward? How do I move forward? How do I serve others while caring for myself? How do I make a difference? How can I be the change?

I think God looks at me, and cries. I think he/she/it says, I created you to be the best you you can be, but yet, here you are - you have no confidence, you put yourself in hurtful situations, you don't let yourself explore and be loved by me. I know God sighs, thinking - I am in you! You are mine, and yet, here you are - trying to belong to the world.

I'm good - so badly wanting to ask him a question, to see how he is - I wish that same feeling would overcome me to search God's own heart. God knows me. And I long to know him, but would rather wait for some shitty relationship to please me and then break me. Why do we do that to ourselves? I know I'm not the only one.

"You may say, I'm a dreamer. But I'm not..." =)

Happy Birthday, Bob. And Uncle Meki - lives cut too short.

Victory...

Victory. In so many ways. Successful fundraiser. Giants win. No texts to him. And catch up with friends. Feeling good...feeling great. Don't want to go sleep, like that'll keep tomorrow from coming. #tonight we are young, so let's set this world on fire...we can burn brighter than the sun. Take that NE. #humbled...

Watching Tosh.O ...

Stalker much?

He said he has never blogged. I just realized that Facebook, Twitter, anything "status" related is like a blog. He blogs, but calls them Google+ posts, or tweets. Lol. Maybe he lied... He doesn't even reply to my texts. Im like how does he do that...? But I do the same thing to this guy who texts me. I can do no wrong in his eyes. It's irritating. What I do to him, he does to me. It's crazy. Ive said this time and time again, I don't fit into his life. I don't know why he leads me on. It's the only thing I cry or at least try to cry about. He is perfect for me... He is where I want to be. Especially, when I think about having kids. I had the most amazing encounter with my nephew. Oh what a joy it would be to be in constant relationship with someone so amazing, creative and beautiful. He wants to give me the moon... I am so lucky that even one person wants to give me the moon. Anyway, he has kids, has been married, is at a place I long to be. I would never have to worry about.awkward situations - him wanting kids, to get married, etc - especially when I can't and don't really want to, etc - respectively. I decided - however... 3 things: in Vegas, I will focus solely on what God has in store for me regarding leadership and improving myself (however, if the opportunity allows, I'm getting drunk); I will try to contact the one in Tampa; and won't talk to the other one until Tampa. I need to make me better - physically, mentally and spiritually. I need closure so that I can truly move forward and love myself and let me be loved. He is not the one, I just need him to be.  I will make 2012 my year. Lets do this. And when I fuck it up - because I will - I won't stop. #transformed ... Transformers are the isht.... Love.

super bowl eve...

I want the Patriots to win, because it'll make him happy. I want the Giants to win because it will make him sad. #icantmakeyouloveme Going to Vegas! What are your Super Bowl traditions? We have a fundraiser at church... So come on by.

Frustrated....

Well, its gotta be an mms sized video, so I'll continue from my phone if need be. I hate when he teases me. I wonder if he knows I'm addicted...

((EDIT: It worked! Whoooo hoooo...and there wasn't any gibberish. I may be updating from my email on my phone. Right now, I'm at my sister's computer. I so badly just want to skip to the next step...))

Please work...

((EDIT:: I erased all the gibberish. This is from text, still waiting for the video from email...))

Just gotta figure out a title.

Oh my gosh... Getting there.

Discouraged...

Damn, trying to link my blog to my phone and it isn't working. What the flocka!?!?

Here I Go again...

I mean... do I dare?