Tired...

But can't sleep. I need to be up early. I think I will get my hair cut, go try to workout at Curves. I just don't want to think about the baby anymore. I hate it. And then I hate myself for hating it. Its not his fault... no one's fault but my own. I will go look for an apartment. Tomorrow...

I usually bug my bd.

 I realize the only time I really want to blog, is when I feel like I can't really email/chat/harass the bd. It isn't that the bd doesn't hear me. I feel like my thoughts are inappropriate are not really valid - like they're mood swings. On another note, my sister bought me my first baby bag. Its REALLY cute!

There are good days.

I had a bad day yesterday. I cant don't know why. I forgot to snack last night, so woke up with low blood sugar. There was an accident this morning, but I made it to work on time. They dont want us parking on the black top anymore, which sucks because its closet othe classrooms I work in. It isnt too bad, but I think Im not supposed to be walking all that much. On another note, its so good to be working, making that money, no matter how low! Hah.

And... I had a great Saturday/Sunday. I havent seen K's dad for over a month and he came out to see me. It was like heaven. Like a dream come true, I'm teary eyed because it was such an amazing time. We went to my cousins gender reveal party (K's gonna have a boy cousin to have fun with!). We are good food, they got to drink and I got what I needed.

There are really really good days. I wish there weren't so many bad ones, so many uncomfortable ones.

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Pretending

Im pretending like its all figured out, like I still want to have this baby. But the truth is, somedays... Like tonight, I dont. I feel like, though, Ill regret it more if I gave him away than if I keep him. But keeping him is hurting my soul. Its not bringing me closer to God, just making me think God is weird.

I just want it to all be over - either get here already, or die already. But how awful is that? I just want it to be over.

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