sleep..

cannot sleep. camera was dropped in the pacific ocean... cannot sleep.

Does it really get better?

Man, he did it again. I don't know how I get stuck in it...knowing it isn't how it's supposed to be. 12 years? Right page, wrong book... Does a cold sore really get better after it gets worse? Yes... Does my life?

June...

...where'd May go? I was just reading a few posts back, and I referred to Sandra Cantu's murderer as a "he". DUDE, I was sooo wrong. Still waiting, but at least I've slowly snuck my way in...

oh yeah, so May. Seen it lately?

New song...yes!

So I follow American Idol. Quite faithfully. I record it. Love recording it...fast forwarding through commericals is amazing. Anyway, Kelly Pickler, an AI Alum from Season 5 sang her new song:

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind/From the day we met till you were making me cry/And it's just too bad you're already had the best days/The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame/A shame that every time you hear my name/Brought up in a casual conversation/You can't think straight?

And ain't it sad/You can forget about what we had/Take a look at her and do you like what you see/Or do you wish it was me?

I'll be there in the back of your mind/From the day we met to the very last night/And it's just too bad you've already had the best days/The best days of your life

And does she know/Know about the times you used to hold me/Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me/I'd be the only one?

I heard about/Yeah, someone told me once when you were out/She went a little crazy, ran her mouth about me/Ain't jealousy funny?

Life with me was a fairytale love/I was head over heels till you threw away us/And it's just too bad you've already had the best days/The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna get married, have a nice little family/Live out my dreams with someone new/But I've been told that a cheater is always a cheater/So I've got my pride and she's got you

Just love it. I know we all share some of the same problems, and this is probably the first time I heard it right. It's all good. You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you. But yeah, it's a good song. It was co-written with Taylor Swift. Gotta love it! Anyway, have a wonderful Easter holiday! He is RISEN! Haleluia!

like a cold sore.

one of my favorite sayings is, "your is like a cold sore; it gets worse before it gets better." hah. it's true, though. i'm guessing that's how it's riding out right now. did you hear about the little girl from Tracy? her name is sandra. Sandra Cantu. She was 8. In 2nd grade. she went missing a little more than a week ago, and they found her on monday. stuffed in a suitcase. dropped in an irrigation pond. i was so hoping they were gonna find her. for some reason this is too CSI for me. i hope they find the guy. that they capture him. i dont know what they should do to him. im sure there are people who have done worse. ie, a long while ago, a couple kids went missing and were shot in the back of their head and dumped in the river. i think that might qualify. but it just seems like...we should be better than that. i feel like, our society should be getting better...should be advancing, but we have people still stuck in these preverted fantasies of theirs. don't they realize...that when they act out the fantasy, it's done. they can't fantasize about it anymore. that's another error we humans have. we always want more. i'm poor. someone gives me a dollar. now i want 10 dollars. and i get it. yes, i have a job. let's buy a car. oh, i need RANGE ROVER. and then when we lose it all, we're back when we started. and for some reason, it's worse than before, but if we had been content with what we had, it'd be all good. givers and the takers...who are you? essentially, GOD has provided us everything, but for some reason we needed to make it the way we want it. super crazy. man, we are not error proof. i'm praying for Sandra's family. i'm praying for her murdering, that he gets judged the way he deserves to be judged. i'm praying. "God of new horizons, help us to see our lives in perspective, free us from the prison of the present moment. Let me be born again!"

hunger pains.

i heard two songs today, that i felt both applied to me...but at the same time, were probably the most opposite. first, i heard rascal flatts' "God bless the broken road". and then, "Gives you hell" by the All-American Rejects. Rascal flatts talks about all these obstacles that someone overcomes, but that it's worth it because he's been blessed by God, because the destination is someone they love. "Every long lost dream led me to where you are, Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars". i so hope that is what is happening..."But I got lost a time or two/Wiped my brow and kept pushing through/I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you". I hope I'm just not seeing it...that there is someone. I kindah told myself last night, that if i don't find anyone...maybe 25...and then i said, 27...im pretty much on my own, and will then make decisions with the idea that i've been blessed w/the single life. There's one...that'll fit into my life plan, but right now, i dont fit into his. So it's not right? damn. lol. anyway, and then gives you hell. "when you see my face, i hope it gives you hell...to tell the truth, i miss you/to tell the truth, i'm lying..." and i guess this just goes to the "northern stars". im really all good...but, i keep thinking about the damn fools that put me in this rut im in now. "now you'll never see what you've done to me/you can take back your memories, they're no good to me/and here's all your lies, you can look me in the eyes/with the sad, sad look you wear so well..." i wish that on certain fools...maybe i shouldn't, but i do. it's true... i think i miss them, but then...i don't...it was a "relationship of convenience", and if provided the opportunity, i think i might take it again. but then, there's that one that fits into my life plan, id like to wait for him. but i figure it'd be at least 10 or 12 years before we could even begin to be in the same chapter, let alone the same page, but that's way past my "27 years", and ill already have decided it's a no go. man, sometimes, i just start to cry. and i dont know if its because im lonely, or cuz i miss people, or just tired. i know what i want to do, but i dont know how to do it. im just trying to do this school thing, but it shouldah never taken so long. i think he could help me, but he's trying to help himself. he wont even let me in. but i dont need to be let in, i need to let go and let God. but its become real difficult for me. i was watching this thing on the crucifixion. we have to remember that the crucifixion is not specific to the death of Christ, but that Christ's death made it famous - or infamous.... it made me cry today, yeah, again...just getting teary eyed actually. i havent actually let myself cry...probably not since huni's funeral. just thinking about each painful detail of his death, and as a man of flesh and blood, that he felt every ounce of pain...brings me sorrow, makes my heart ache. but i am so amazed that a man can love me that way...and that's why i feel comfortable in being single...but, not comfortable yet. if i can be with someone, i would like to be. if i cant, then it is okay. id be really happy with you. and you could be happy with me...aside from the fact, that your job calls you to be away. and your many other responsibilities. i wish you'd call. or at least...

Gosh...

It's April. I'm so tired. I would prefer to just sit. But I have Friday and Saturday off. Free at last. Praise God!

March...

Damn it's March already.

The Holidays...

They were aiight. My sisters had Christmas elsewhere, so we planned to celebrate the Saturday after, I guess it would be the 27th. Anyway, on Christmas, I followed the band from the church as the caroled. We came home, and I napped, then about 8pm we headed out to visit my Aunt Huni at the hospital. We stayed there 'til just before midnight. She was having a terrible time. She couldn't calm down. She would finally get calm, and something would trigger and she would gasp for her, like she was suffocating. This would happen over and over and over again. No pain, but the worst feeling in the world. In the end, her son, persuaded us to go home and rest, to come back early in the morning. My mom wanted to stay...some how I convinced her to come home. She needed to take care of herself in order to take care of someone else.

We dropped my sister off at home, and then walked in the door of my house. My dad's phone rings. My aunt just passed away. My sister came into my room crying, all I could think .... was ....

Just before we left, I looked my aunt in her eyes and said bye. She looked empty. If I paid attention, I would've known that would be last time I saw her eyes open. But it doesn't matter, those weren't the eyes of my aunt...she left already...

So basically, funeral arrangements had begun, and we had XMas at my sister's house, so it wouldn't be awkward as we opened presents, people worked? Yup... And New Year's, was right in the midst of everything. It was okay. This was the first time I didn't say and enjoy Senituli and Leti's eating.

It's about that time, right. Everyone only gets older, and eventually, they get called home. It's such a sad, yet joyous occasion...but no matter how you look at it, it never really gets better. Anyway, I did the program and a slideshow for my auntie. I hope people enjoyed it. That's the kindah stuff I'm good at. Organizing, creating, making things visually beautiful, create memories, but it looks easy, it looks like I'm sitting on the computer doing isht. I know it bothered people, because I wasn't bending over backwards making sure this and this and that and that...but I don't understand why people can't appreciate each other's gifts. I do my best to tend to people's needs, but I can't always do it to their standards, cuz it's not what I do...this is what I do.

Anyway, enjoy.

Huni Ailine Fakalata Dela Cruz, May 2008

Her tribute blanket created by Siale Paongo and Kelesi Toki.

The Wake @ Oak Park UMC. There's my slideshow to the left.

Fa, Tule and Hulita @ my house after the Burial.

The Four Seasons with Fa Wolfgramm (Mu'omu'a`s youngest sister's, Simaima, daughter), and Aiona Teu, (Mu'omu'a`s younger brother's, Sinisa's daughter).

Peace out, playahs.