Things I'd like to say:

What makes me sad, too, is seeing me texting over and over to myself. The incessant green bubbles. Or 10 calls out to you, and nothing from you. What I have for you is real...what I have for you is solid. I wish I could call you whenever and you'd pick up, even if its just to say that you were busy. I wish you'd at least acknowledge that you got my text.

I look for good schools in this area, apartments, houses. I try to figure out how I can make things work. I tell you about a job opportunity that would bring you closer. I tell my mom I need to rent out her house... It makes sense to her. It makes sense to me. I drive to see you, pick you up, spend time with you. I love being with you. When I'm with you, I can't think straight, all I want is to be with you. Nothing even matters, Miss Lauryn Hill would say.

I feel like I'm the only one working on making this official. Because everything on your side is moving in a different direction. I've let you into the most intimate and important spaces of my life. You've seen me in my most comfortable exciting and joyous places. You've seen me do what I love and live to do. You've never introduced me to your folks. I want our lives to be intertwined ... I want you to meet my parents and to help at family functions. I want you to help me care for and guide my youth. To give them all they need to make better choices, especially better than the ones we made. What do you need from me?

I need to feel like you trust me, that you'd do anything for me. That you'd love and support me beyond what anyone else has done for me.

I wish you'd just call me. So we can talk. To talk. About our families, our spiritual journeys, to really discover what we have in common and how our love can grow. I want to plan with you... To talk about God with you.

I want to not only hear the I love yous and the I miss yous... I want to see and feel them. To know you're in it for the long run. Even when things get tough because they will. I'll put you thru a lot of shit. And there is someone better for you, who'll do everything you need and want, give you beautiful babies and more. Just saying...

I see God in you. Nothing will ever stop me from loving you, but you... You will be the one that ultimately turns me away. I choose you.

Things I wish I could say.