John Holt Capitol City Police Dubwise by Captiol City Rockas

John Holt Capitol City Police Dubwise by Captiol City Rockas

Healthy...

Thought I was getting some Vitamin D, Batman and some exercise last night. Instead, got a waste of gas, lost 3 hours - actually the whole day. And I still cant wait to be with him. If he wants me - he doesn't act like it.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I know I don't know how to be in an intimate relationship with another. I know I'm the jealous type and that I ask questions I shouldn't know the answer to.

I'm really overwhelmed right now. Like my life is a flippin' mess. So many great amazing things are happening around me - and I just can't get my shit together. I can't enjoy it like I wanted to, like I thought we could. I can't live ... like I thought I could live.

I need God. I need God to bless my life. I need to practice what I preach, to acknowledge God every step of the way. I need God. I need God. All I need is God.

And God wants me to be with friends - I feel so loved. Friends near and far, down for a chick. You give your life or at least work toward it - to the one, the one that don't mean isht. But he be giving it to me right. I think I too often fall for what feels good - if you catch my drift, instead of what logically works. Nothing I do works logically - it's toooooo much damn work to be with me. Huh?

Even I get tired of myself. Why shouldn't I expect someone else to? I just don't know where it went bad. I mean, actually - I can tell there was a lot of shit that needed to be worked out. The whole me going to work and you staying home shit was triffling. And yes, YOU needed to wake up at 4am to get to work - so why didnt you wake me up? You wake the fuck up at 4am everyday except the day you need to go to work? I'm glad you said that YOU catted and finally didn't blame shit on me.

We're just so different. But I would have made it work. I would have made love happen. We could have been a family - nahhhh, I guess I'm just bullshittin'. We felt like we was putting everything on the line and that the other was doing shit. I mean, this has got to be last time. You know? I just don't know how to get passed it this time. You kept bringing your boy into the mix - that you introduced him to me, and now what? Weeeooooo... thanks for bringing him around one time, as I planned for weekend after weekend being with him. Taking him to the fair, John Incredibles, Drive-In Movies. We could cook, and clean and shop together. I so badly wanted to be a part of this young amazing individual's life. He always surprised me and made me smile. I knew he wasn't mine, but I would have worked really hard to make it happen. I thought - what if he is for me? It was so perfect, that I could not have a child and his mother was not actively in his life. When I want to talk about him, I want to say "my son". And this is the part where I can't breath, throat hurts and my eyes are welled up.

I know where you were on Father's Day. Sorry that I had you chained to the bed? Oh what? Yeah, I didn't. I freak'n have Stockholm Syndrome or some shit. Like I need to be in pain. I think I just made my life worse. Ughhh...

I'm sooo mad at myself. I'm soooo sooo mad at myself.

Ahhh, Micah Keita Bournes. Friend him on Facebook. He wrote a note about celebrating July 4th - from an African-American perspective. In some ways, I relate - mostly because my ancestry is not of this country. Pretty much everything that happened before 1980 is not my history. Which is coo, because there is a lot about this country's history that I will never understand. However, somewhere along the line, someone paved the way for my family. Someone fought for some kind of rights, someone built some kind of buildings and transportation, somewhere something happened so that my family could be here. And for them, I am thankful.


And if you think about it, none of these holidays are really FOR us. Most holidays are opportunities for us to engage in conversation, to remember those that the holidays are FOR, to bbq and be with family. There are so many other reasons why holidays are good.


For me, I'm OFF OF WORK. I will "clean" and hopefully get to spend some much needed quality time with my boo and his son. I am happy and exactly where I feel I should be. There are things that I know could be better, but through it all, my creator created me to belong to him...and where ever I am on this earth, I will still be long to him. But still...I need to get my isht together. I feel soooo tired right now. Lightweight overwhelmed, mostly because I can't do all the fun things I would like to do. Like concerts at Great America. Oh well... such is life.


10 positive thoughts:
My parents and family boarded the plane safely.
I got the projector worked out yesterday.
I slept safely through the night - even though I woke up every hour.
I woke up (late, but I woke up).
I have a car to get me where I need to go.
God is always with me.
Music is in me in the rawest form, I don't need to know it - I just feel it.
I love him.
I have access to food.
I have a job.