hold fast...

Holding fast to a fantasy is bad for my soul. I wish facing reality didn't feel so lonely. Feel like I've been here before. Actually, I have been here before. Why do I keep finding myself here?

Normal things that make me miss him:
Watching TV
Walking into my room
McDonalds - specifically chicken nuggets and sweet & sour sauce. Especially sweet & sour sauce.
Getting gas
Going to Food Maxx
Taking a shower
Sleeping
Waking up
Breathing
Driving
Music

Things I'd like to say:

What makes me sad, too, is seeing me texting over and over to myself. The incessant green bubbles. Or 10 calls out to you, and nothing from you. What I have for you is real...what I have for you is solid. I wish I could call you whenever and you'd pick up, even if its just to say that you were busy. I wish you'd at least acknowledge that you got my text.

I look for good schools in this area, apartments, houses. I try to figure out how I can make things work. I tell you about a job opportunity that would bring you closer. I tell my mom I need to rent out her house... It makes sense to her. It makes sense to me. I drive to see you, pick you up, spend time with you. I love being with you. When I'm with you, I can't think straight, all I want is to be with you. Nothing even matters, Miss Lauryn Hill would say.

I feel like I'm the only one working on making this official. Because everything on your side is moving in a different direction. I've let you into the most intimate and important spaces of my life. You've seen me in my most comfortable exciting and joyous places. You've seen me do what I love and live to do. You've never introduced me to your folks. I want our lives to be intertwined ... I want you to meet my parents and to help at family functions. I want you to help me care for and guide my youth. To give them all they need to make better choices, especially better than the ones we made. What do you need from me?

I need to feel like you trust me, that you'd do anything for me. That you'd love and support me beyond what anyone else has done for me.

I wish you'd just call me. So we can talk. To talk. About our families, our spiritual journeys, to really discover what we have in common and how our love can grow. I want to plan with you... To talk about God with you.

I want to not only hear the I love yous and the I miss yous... I want to see and feel them. To know you're in it for the long run. Even when things get tough because they will. I'll put you thru a lot of shit. And there is someone better for you, who'll do everything you need and want, give you beautiful babies and more. Just saying...

I see God in you. Nothing will ever stop me from loving you, but you... You will be the one that ultimately turns me away. I choose you.

Things I wish I could say.

I miss him. Like I can't function...

How to love...

Putting in work. I wish I could stay here all night and eff all the bull isht. Done.

Here we go...

here we go again, now you telling me that she is just a friend...

What happened? How many times does it need to happen before I learn? Like a kid testing out a stove. How many times does the child get burned before they know to stop touching that damn stove. I don't understand how you could be like that to me. How you can just ignore me? Or leave me hanging. Why am I so disposable? There's this picture going around about this couple that's been married for maaannnyyy years. They're asked how it works. They said, back then, when things broke - we fixed it. We did not just throw it away.

I need someone who wants to fix it. Who thinks that what we have is valueable enough to be fixed. Who feels that I am someone to love and take around. Wants me to be a part of their family, not just a friend in the bedroom. Someone that knows that it isn't easy being with me, but knows that its worth it. Is he out there? Is he you? Do you want it to be you?

Simple.

It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars. I should become Mormon.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Smartphone

Who are you?

I went to a memorial last night. We were late - like by a few minutes. =( We had to stand in the overflow room. They had a TV, but I couldn't see much. I could hear quite clearly though. You can kind of tell about a person by who shows up at their funeral. This guy was pretty awesome. Anyway, the person who passed - his daughter is a pastor. She did a history/sermon that I felt was excellent. She was funny, engaging and sincere. I'm sure her daddy would be proud.

She talked about his beginnings, his parents and siblings. She talked about his work ethic and how he became the man of the house at a young age. Oh man - even as he worked and took care of his family, he managed to get his education. He was still very active in his church. How I wish I got to know this guy. The encouragement I know he could have provided. I don't know, his daughter just spoke so well about her dad. I hope I could be half as composed as she was, to be able to really create something that would continue to inspire as my dad inspires now. Or my mom even. I wish I was a better daughter. I need to get my isht together, I guess.

I go back alot - in my mind. To the way things happened - probably starting my sophomore year in high school. I think I effed up alot. Never knowing what I was doing, just doing what I was supposed to be doing. Never figuring out where I am, and who I was going to be. I never worried about that stuff. It was alll about now. Right now. I felt like my future was already written in the stars, no matter what I did, it was going to happen the way others planned for it to happen. I still do the same stuff ... still chasing the same empty promises with a broken bruised up heart. Where do I go from here?

Last night, I tried to cry. I do that every once in a while. Criminal minds is my ish... Prentiss tells Hotch that she can take the girl that just lost her family. Like adopt her, be her mother. Hotch says something like, this is part of the job, I need to know you can be objective. Prentiss says, I need to know that I can be human. Man, deeeeeep. Lol. It's like that, though, I need to cry. I need to know that I can be human? I need to know. Anyway, I just wanted to point out that I am very faithful and loyal, but that my mind tends to wander. However, I would never do something that I wouldn't want done to me. Just in case you were wondering. Like my girl Gretchen says, when I think about cheating, I think about you leaving. Then all is well...

Sweet love...

The more I try to be with him, I start to miss him and him too. Both who happen to be residing in the same city. I wonder if they'll run into each other at church. The more I try to make things work with him, the more I realize that there is him and him that have been trying to work with me, patiently waiting. Why do I like being treated like shit? Man, but the love is so nice. When were together, its like perfection at its very finest. Then...

Hopeful.

I torture myself sometimes. Because at the time, whatever it is - feels good. It's like drinking knowing damn well the hangover is going to suck. Or eating something bad for you, but it tastes OH SO GOOD at the moment. I don't know how to be in a relationship - so I just do what feels good. Even if it hurts a little later. In some ways, I don't want to be in a relationship. There is no perfect guy. He'll never know exactly what I'm thinking. He'll always make me angry and not do what I expect. Why should I have to subject someone to all that?

But really, I just want to know that he misses me. And not just that he misses me, but that he wants to make it happen. I still hate that I went all that way, and didn't get to see him. I was really hopeful. Oh, how, I was hopeful.