fear...answers...worries...hope...

man, i have so many thoughts, but they're thoughts id rather keep to myself, dig? sometimes i feel ashamed of how i feel, because it's mean. but other times, id like to think that im just being real. being real is mean? wtf? yeah...sometimes it is. the truth hurts, but why should it hurt?

i mean, the only absolute truth, i honestly truly believe is LOVE. man, we all just need to love one another, real tough. not just love...like yeah, i love you...but a love, where you do things, and the other person just knows. like my sister can feel like...however, whatever she feels...she knows its something she can share with me. thats love. knowing that even though its taking me YEARs and YEARs to finish school and GROW UP...my parents still love me unconditionally, and believe in me, and listen to me, and PUSH ME to do bigger and better things and HOUSE and FEED ME...yeah, that's love.

but damn! when im driving, and a car needs to turn in to a shopping center, and im already knowing that no one else is gonna let him in...how come I dont do it? what's stopping me? cuz really real...i believe i love whoever is in that car...but then again, theres this little something saying...wait, dont be late to work....you're gonna cause traffic... man, love is way easier to say than do...that's why we always talking and aint really doing ish.

i truly believe in my HEART of HEARTS that if we love one another, genuinely, unconditionally, unselfishly, the world would be so much better. but it aint even that we gotta love other people, we've gotta love ourselves. we've gotta love the life we live, we gotta love the air we breathe, the clothes we wear, the houses we live in, the earth that we walk on, the animals that keep us company, the plants that keep us healthy...we gotta love. and if we love, then we telling the truth, and the truth is real. and it aint mean.

have i told you the things ive thought? hell nah, im still embarrassed to say things i feel...mostly, cause i feel like i dont know as much as others do, cause i feel like ill be judged. which sucks about the world, because if i knew you loved me...with the very breath you breathe, id tell you. but unfortunately, the world is not loving. but GOD, the Alpha and the Omega, yes, loving..that HE is! and praise HIM, He's all I'll ever need. i know im always always wanting...but I am so happy that I am a BLESSED child of God, and like my man, Zechariah said, for he who touches you, touches the apple of [God's] eye. man, and you know how it feels when someone touches the pupil of your eye...you aint gonna let that slide. dig?

im always learning, but can a student learn, and not be taught? if i only knew the words to explain what that all meant. alot of what i know is self taught. conversations i have throughout the day with others, is not always edifying, it's conversation to get by, to say ive said something... but the real knowledge, is all self learned...it's all stuff that's there, and i try to create brilliant ideas of transformation, of epiphany like no one else knows. man, i gotta work tomororw...

dude, i know sela can appreciate this next paragraph... some of the most memorable building blocks of my foundation were those late night cup of teas w/my best friend sela. we talked about everything under the sky...literally. we'd have 3 or 4 cups of tea and just be up talking about the world we live in, the life we was living. and what makes it really real, is those conversations continue, no matter how much space in between. the cups of tea were high school. i remember one time, after high school... i dont even know how i got it, but i had some sky and some mad dog 20/20, and we was taking shots and just drinking up whatevers and all of a sudden, the sky starts to turn that pinkish orange...the sign of the sun saying, yes girl, its a new day...and i had just pulled my first "dazed" all nighter, and that didn't even phase us, we made sure we finished our bottles. ..

i should blog more, than i wouldnt have so much random ish all in one post. i gotta wake up early...maybe ill watch the sun rise, take a picture with my empty brain..it'll be way better than worrying about tomorrow.

i love you. i hope you're doing well. i hope that you've forgiven me, cuz even though im always thinking about it, i forgave you a long time ago. i wish things didn't completely destroy us...so hopefully we're good. take care of yourself, and try not to forget me. i was good for you, because you couldn't be who or what you are today, without me. God loves you! Blessings...

busy much?

for some strange odd reason, i feel overwhelmed. the things i want to do, that id love to do for the rest of my life, can only be done for free. my mom calls it peace corps work. lol. man, wouldnt it be nice.

so my stupid planner has labor day on sept 8th, so ive been off a whole week. too fast for everyone. but im back to myself, yeah right. i feel like ive gotten so busy, but for no reason at all. i can still manage to squeeze in an episode of csi, but i guess when i use to do that and watch a couple reruns of spongebob, i can kindah understand why i feel so overwhelmed.

honestly, id rather spend my whole day checking up on the youth in my church, making sure they all have rides to where they need to be, that they are supported - mentally, spiritually, emotionally and financially. id love to spend my evenings going to volleyball games, or football games, making signs and painting faces. id love to plan trips so they can see life beyond our little bubble here in sac, in our church. but i cant. i have to go to school. and then i have to work. and then i sit around and stress about work and school, when all i really wanna do is be with the kids.

speaking of work, i better go now.