Tired...

But can't sleep. I need to be up early. I think I will get my hair cut, go try to workout at Curves. I just don't want to think about the baby anymore. I hate it. And then I hate myself for hating it. Its not his fault... no one's fault but my own. I will go look for an apartment. Tomorrow...

I usually bug my bd.

 I realize the only time I really want to blog, is when I feel like I can't really email/chat/harass the bd. It isn't that the bd doesn't hear me. I feel like my thoughts are inappropriate are not really valid - like they're mood swings. On another note, my sister bought me my first baby bag. Its REALLY cute!

There are good days.

I had a bad day yesterday. I cant don't know why. I forgot to snack last night, so woke up with low blood sugar. There was an accident this morning, but I made it to work on time. They dont want us parking on the black top anymore, which sucks because its closet othe classrooms I work in. It isnt too bad, but I think Im not supposed to be walking all that much. On another note, its so good to be working, making that money, no matter how low! Hah.

And... I had a great Saturday/Sunday. I havent seen K's dad for over a month and he came out to see me. It was like heaven. Like a dream come true, I'm teary eyed because it was such an amazing time. We went to my cousins gender reveal party (K's gonna have a boy cousin to have fun with!). We are good food, they got to drink and I got what I needed.

There are really really good days. I wish there weren't so many bad ones, so many uncomfortable ones.

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Pretending

Im pretending like its all figured out, like I still want to have this baby. But the truth is, somedays... Like tonight, I dont. I feel like, though, Ill regret it more if I gave him away than if I keep him. But keeping him is hurting my soul. Its not bringing me closer to God, just making me think God is weird.

I just want it to all be over - either get here already, or die already. But how awful is that? I just want it to be over.

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Shit happens...

When you ain't fiefia to see your kaume'a...it might mean something.

i hate...

my life

I feel sorry...

...for these beezies. You should be in control of your own body too. Don't act like you didn't know this nigga was a dead beat from the jump. If he comes thru for me if I were pregnant than hallelujah. If it doesnt it ain't no surprise.

Talking about you want him around to be daddy...don't fcking lie. You need a scapegoat someone to blame because you and your people don't know how to take responsibility. Get your life together.

And you... everyday you wanna claim all your offspring but yet you don't wanna do shit. You gotta get right so that you can do right by them...but you can't. You need to take care of business one step at a time.

And me. I just wanna love you be where you are meet you at your lowest be joyful for you at your highest.

But I'm dying. Im dying with you...I'm dying without you. Release me let me go...

Magic number???

Is it six or are there two pictures of the same old? Man that below hurts my feeling. Then he tells some are question marks and yet claims them all. #ishouldbetheonetodie #useless #broken #gohome

what are dreams?

he kissed his baby mama i bashed both their heads he said they lost a
baby i said u had sex with her twice??? and i told my mom... and i
said if i leave him he will die...if i stay with him i will die. she
said at least youll be closer to where you want to be..

does this mean anything?or is it just my own thoughts turned into a movie...

my life is not ...

... hard. But some hhow Ive managed to make it a disaster I was not
raised to be this way...but truth is,I suck at asking for help. I
needed help long time ago but its humbling and humiliating to admit my
life was slowly unraveling. It really starts with my lack of passion,
my specific skill set and Im wondering if my looks affect peoples
judgement. I can do anything. But Im lazy and not pleasant to look at.
I wish this was ten years ago so I could do it all again...but way
better.

Question now is...what now?