Who are you?

I went to a memorial last night. We were late - like by a few minutes. =( We had to stand in the overflow room. They had a TV, but I couldn't see much. I could hear quite clearly though. You can kind of tell about a person by who shows up at their funeral. This guy was pretty awesome. Anyway, the person who passed - his daughter is a pastor. She did a history/sermon that I felt was excellent. She was funny, engaging and sincere. I'm sure her daddy would be proud.

She talked about his beginnings, his parents and siblings. She talked about his work ethic and how he became the man of the house at a young age. Oh man - even as he worked and took care of his family, he managed to get his education. He was still very active in his church. How I wish I got to know this guy. The encouragement I know he could have provided. I don't know, his daughter just spoke so well about her dad. I hope I could be half as composed as she was, to be able to really create something that would continue to inspire as my dad inspires now. Or my mom even. I wish I was a better daughter. I need to get my isht together, I guess.

I go back alot - in my mind. To the way things happened - probably starting my sophomore year in high school. I think I effed up alot. Never knowing what I was doing, just doing what I was supposed to be doing. Never figuring out where I am, and who I was going to be. I never worried about that stuff. It was alll about now. Right now. I felt like my future was already written in the stars, no matter what I did, it was going to happen the way others planned for it to happen. I still do the same stuff ... still chasing the same empty promises with a broken bruised up heart. Where do I go from here?

Last night, I tried to cry. I do that every once in a while. Criminal minds is my ish... Prentiss tells Hotch that she can take the girl that just lost her family. Like adopt her, be her mother. Hotch says something like, this is part of the job, I need to know you can be objective. Prentiss says, I need to know that I can be human. Man, deeeeeep. Lol. It's like that, though, I need to cry. I need to know that I can be human? I need to know. Anyway, I just wanted to point out that I am very faithful and loyal, but that my mind tends to wander. However, I would never do something that I wouldn't want done to me. Just in case you were wondering. Like my girl Gretchen says, when I think about cheating, I think about you leaving. Then all is well...