Ishmael...

As takers of this world, we tend to think that the world was made for us, that everything is at our disposal. We honestly believe that we are better than the lions, the tigers, and the bears, oh my! But really?

So the lion is hungry. He sees a herd or whatever they're called of gazelles. He has his eye on one, goes after it and kills it. His whole family eats, so do the vultures, and the grass gets fertilized which means the other gazelles can continue on living...and living well.

When I'm hungry, I go out and buy something that takes thousands of people to produce, from the farmer to the driver to the grocer, not to mention all the carbon emissions that occur on the way. And then to make things better, just I eat it...and I wasn't even that hungry. Now I'm overweight. Aint that the world?

Another thing is the dog, cat, mouse. So the dog is chasing the cat - something about her makes him want her, but she's paying him no mind. She's too busy trying to catch that mouse, who keeps dangling in front of her, letting her get a paw on his tail, but he's too slick, always getting away. Who knows the mouse's intentions, cuz he's got so much going on. He doesn't even realize how much that cat wants to get him, how much he teases her. But guess what, the cat has all her dealings with the mouse, that she doesn't even realize how much the dog wants her, how much she teases him. And we think we're better than the ants we try so desperately to exterminate everyday?

Maybe. Maybe not. I need a vacation...from this taker life. But the more I try to get away, the more I get lost in it.

My sister took this picture. A view from the back of my house. This was during my grandma's funeral in December 2005. Glorious.

Weekends...

Thursdays used to mark the beginning of my weekend. Now that I have a job, my weekends have melted together with my weekdays. I have to ngaue tonight, tomorrow and Saturday. Kindah bothers me, just because August is always busy for me. And it's busy with stuff other than work and school...so now that I'm busy with work and school, too...I'm super busy. I don't know how people do it. I think about my sisters, and my mom, and all those mothers around me that somehow manage to juggle so many things all at once, and still remain available to hear me babble and scream.



Anyway, it's crazy. I'm still contemplating this new idea of mine. I haven't really had the guts to share it with anyone, because it's so different from the path that I am on now. I told my sister and niece about it, and they didn't really offer any encouragement or any negative reactions, which honestly is NO HELP AT ALL! But it's cool. I know this is something I need to decide for myself, but I really need to know that people believe I can do it, that I wont disappoint anyone in the process.



I always think back...when I moved back to Sacramento, if it was the right thing to do. I honestly believe it was. That was the path I was supposed to take, but I took it too early, I wasn't prepared. Now, that I've been home for a few months (I lie...it's been years), I think I've been able to search for what it is I really want to do, not just what I thought I really wanted to do. I'm still not even sure what it is...



So, I'm always on this website, that I know will help me attain this goal, but is it my goal? They sent me applications and stuff. But I want to finish here...and then work, so I can make some money, then go back. Ideally, I can work somewhere that will transfer me to where I want to go and I can continue non-stop.



What I really want is for someone to tell me to take that path, to go ahead and leave this one, cuz this is not yours...but no one will do that, everyone thinks the one I'm on is mine...even I think it's mine...maybe it is mine, but I don't want it to be.



Ehh...I was hoping that I'd get some clarification from babbling on here, hearing the taps of the keyboard, the clicks of the keys...but, maybe I need to read....


The Picture: Marcus, Lizzie, Sela, Jaida, Me and Meleane in Palo Alto, CA

Back to business...

Gosh, I can never remember what font and size I use. I hate seeing my blog, and it's all different sizes and fonts. Oh well.

So I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have ideas, but nothing set in stone. Nothing I have this absolute passion for, where I would give up everything I have to do it. I am currently going to school for some medical field stuff, but really...it's taking me wayyyy too long (mostly cuz I hate it), and I only wanna do it cuz of the money.

Anyway, that's kindah how I am feeling...more and more lost. It's all good. There is this one thing I want to do...oh my gosh, but I feel like it's not what I am being called to do. Some of my habits really don't match up with this new dream I have.

I also want a dog.

Here is some of the kids in my youth group. Obviously, we kindah suck at taking pictures! Lol...just a little hint of what I want to be doing the rest of my life. Sound good?