hunger pains.

i heard two songs today, that i felt both applied to me...but at the same time, were probably the most opposite. first, i heard rascal flatts' "God bless the broken road". and then, "Gives you hell" by the All-American Rejects. Rascal flatts talks about all these obstacles that someone overcomes, but that it's worth it because he's been blessed by God, because the destination is someone they love. "Every long lost dream led me to where you are, Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars". i so hope that is what is happening..."But I got lost a time or two/Wiped my brow and kept pushing through/I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you". I hope I'm just not seeing it...that there is someone. I kindah told myself last night, that if i don't find anyone...maybe 25...and then i said, 27...im pretty much on my own, and will then make decisions with the idea that i've been blessed w/the single life. There's one...that'll fit into my life plan, but right now, i dont fit into his. So it's not right? damn. lol. anyway, and then gives you hell. "when you see my face, i hope it gives you hell...to tell the truth, i miss you/to tell the truth, i'm lying..." and i guess this just goes to the "northern stars". im really all good...but, i keep thinking about the damn fools that put me in this rut im in now. "now you'll never see what you've done to me/you can take back your memories, they're no good to me/and here's all your lies, you can look me in the eyes/with the sad, sad look you wear so well..." i wish that on certain fools...maybe i shouldn't, but i do. it's true... i think i miss them, but then...i don't...it was a "relationship of convenience", and if provided the opportunity, i think i might take it again. but then, there's that one that fits into my life plan, id like to wait for him. but i figure it'd be at least 10 or 12 years before we could even begin to be in the same chapter, let alone the same page, but that's way past my "27 years", and ill already have decided it's a no go. man, sometimes, i just start to cry. and i dont know if its because im lonely, or cuz i miss people, or just tired. i know what i want to do, but i dont know how to do it. im just trying to do this school thing, but it shouldah never taken so long. i think he could help me, but he's trying to help himself. he wont even let me in. but i dont need to be let in, i need to let go and let God. but its become real difficult for me. i was watching this thing on the crucifixion. we have to remember that the crucifixion is not specific to the death of Christ, but that Christ's death made it famous - or infamous.... it made me cry today, yeah, again...just getting teary eyed actually. i havent actually let myself cry...probably not since huni's funeral. just thinking about each painful detail of his death, and as a man of flesh and blood, that he felt every ounce of pain...brings me sorrow, makes my heart ache. but i am so amazed that a man can love me that way...and that's why i feel comfortable in being single...but, not comfortable yet. if i can be with someone, i would like to be. if i cant, then it is okay. id be really happy with you. and you could be happy with me...aside from the fact, that your job calls you to be away. and your many other responsibilities. i wish you'd call. or at least...